Tuesday

I went back to the doc's yesterday and had more blood drawn. My arm's all swollen and bruised, I think I've been getting stuck way too much and my arm's just not liking it. The side effects of that shot were terrible. I can't even imagine how horrible it would be for some one with cancer who would have to have a higher dose. That stuff is terrible. Nausea, dizziness, fatigue. Plus the pain in my abdomen. Never started bleeding though. Not sure if that's really good though. That pregnancy tissue is supposed to pass through my body, and I certainly don't want another shot. Ever again... Very bad stuff... I thought I would feel better yesterday, but I actually felt worse than I did on Sunday! Hopefully I'll know more on Friday what the next course of action will be. Maybe there won't have to be one because everything will be normal with my hcg levels...(fingers crossed)

Mom and I crafted yesterday, and Yea! we didn't burn anything! We made some cute little mushrooms that I'm going to put under some of my plants outside. I'll have to post the pics later. I'm going to try to make some more today, in between all of the getting caught up on laundry and housework that I've been neglecting the past few days. Oh, and Tad said "hat" yesterday! He was holding Bobby's hat and he said it! It was more like haaa...t, but he said it. Bobby was so excited. He had a big proud fatherly grin on his face as he said "I taught him that."

Update

So, I had the ultrasound and blood work this morning. I held up pretty well and only cried a few times. Yea me! Anyway, they found two cysts that said could be contributing to the pain, or one of the cysts could be an ectopic pregnancy. They called me back in this afternoon after getting my hcg levels back... they had gone up again! Only from 145 to 159. They wanted me to come in immediately and get a shot of Methotrexate, which is a cancer drug actually, but is used also in people who have miscarried to remove any extra tissue that's left over from the pregnancy. I drove back up there and got my great big shot in the butt after making them stake their lives on the fact that I was not pregnant. The doctor scared me this morning because she asked me if there was anyway I was pregnant with a new pregnancy because my levels were going up and they shouldn't be doing that. So that pretty much freaked me out. There was no way that I was going to take a drug that kills all pregnancy tissue if there was just a tiny tiny chance I was pregnant. -More crying... They told me to expect pain, (she actually compared it to being hit in the abdomen with a baseball bat over and over) Great! Something to look forward to! Plus the bleeding and fatigue. She also did warn me that if the pain got really severe and I was passing out to go straight to the ER, because if it is ectopic it could rupture and could kill me if I don't get to the hospital ASAP. ....So needless to say, I've been quite upset today. I have to go back in on Monday and Thursday for them to check my hcg levels again, so the'll know if I need another shot. Argggh... I will be so glad when this is all over....

Going to the doctor ...again

I went in for another testing of my hcg levels on Tuesday to see if the pregnancy hormone is out of my system. Last week when they tested me, my levels were 101. I've been still having a lot of cramping, light headedness and my feet have been swelling... who knows why. I called and told them about this Monday, but they just told me that my body's just been through a lot and that's probably just what it is, they also thought that maybe I'm anemic. Well, yesterday, I cramped all day and was just miserable. I called in to tell them and get the results from the tests and she told me that my hcg levels have gone up!!! What?!!! I screamed into the phone. That doesn't mean I'm still pregnant does it? She assured me "probably not" Real assuring. She should have said no, not probably not. They only went up to 145, but still... They went UP, not down like they're supposed to. Also the other test they did was the wrong test! Just great... But she said she was very concerned and needed to call me back after she talked to the doctor. When she called me back, she told me the the doc wanted me to go straight to the ER. "There's no way! I can't afford the deductible, it's like $500!!!" "OK, I'll talk to the doc again and call you back" she said. Well, anyway... I have to go in first thing this morning and have several blood tests and an ultrasound. I am dreading it so so so bad. I just want this to all be over and never set foot in that doctors office again. The least I can think about this miscarriage, the better, and it's just still going on. I'm guessing I'll probably have to have the D & C. I so badly didn't want to have that done. ... So please pray for me today, I'm going to need it. I know I'm going to burst into tears as soon as I lay down for that ultrasound. That's supposed to be a happy room. It's where you're supposed to hear your baby's heartbeat and see it for the first time. That's where I had my ultrasound with Tad. Now I'll be laying up there knowing that I won't be hearing that little heartbeat. I'm going to do my best to keep it together though. Doubt it will happen, but I'm gonna try. So, yeah... please keep me in your prayers today.

Healing

Yesterday was a good day. I was still sad, but it was the first day that things have started to feel normal again. Me, Mom and the kids took our bi-weekly trip to visit my aunt and uncle, and it did me a lot of good. We laughed, ate good food, and just had a really good time. They gave me this beautiful pink flowering vine (I can't think of the name of it... it's too hard to pronounce anyway.) I think we're going to build a trellis on the back of the house for it to grow up. At home, in the evening, Bobby gave Lexie and Tad wagon rides through the back yard. It was Tad's first time, and he loved it! I thought he would be terrified but he actually cried every time Bobby would stop! It was so funny...

Here he is getting kisses from Eddie. I love this picture...


I thought this picture was funny 'cause they both had their mouths open! Lexie's being dramatic, as usual...


So...yeah, I'm beginning to heal and find some peace. I have struggled so much trying to understand why and get answers. I've been so frustrated with God, wanting to know why he didn't answer my prayers, why He took my baby away, but I am starting to come to terms with the fact that my baby's in a much better place right now, than being here on this earth. I'm still hurting, but I am dealing with it better. I actually put on make up today and cleaned the house. My brain doesn't seem to be in that same fog that it's been in for the last several days. There's no sense in being mad at God anymore. He knows what's best... (two days ago, I couldn't have said that) But my little baby is in Heaven, and God had a reason for it. So, I don't suppose I have to understand why. I'm just going to trust Him now.

Gone

My baby's gone... It's been a horrible, terrible, painful day. My heart hurts so bad right now.

Hurting

I found out I was pregnant Friday before last. I didn't want to post anything about it till I was further along. I'm pretty sure I was about 4 weeks along. This weekend I started spotting a little and it got real heavy last night. I've been having a lot of cramping as well. I'm pretty sure I've lost the baby. I called the doc this morning and am still waiting to hear back from them. My heart hurts so bad that I've lost my new little baby. I know it hasn't been confirmed by a doctor, but I just don't feel like I'm still pregnant. I don't understand why this would happen. I've had two perfectly healthy babies, why would I lose this one. My heart hurts so bad right now. I know that I was only pregnant for a short while, but it was still my little baby to me. I was already picking out names and thinking about new baby clothes. I could see that new baby being born, me holding and nursing it, loving it... I could see it growing older and running around playing with Tad and Lexie. Maybe they'll tell me at the doctor that everything is ok. Maybe I could have a miracle. Maybe my little baby is still in there growing. I wanted this baby so bad. It just doesn't make sense why this happened... Please pray for me, my heart is breaking.